Dear Lord, Can I Have this Love?

 

“You deserve someone better”, we always hear this from friends who try to apply band-aid  to our broken hearts and wounded ego when our love is not reciprocated. But  even the most handsome of men and the most beautiful of women  will fall hard then ask, “Am I ugly? Am I not good enough? Am I not worth  fighting for?”. Cause when we are not loved back, we seek for the answers to our whys then we turn to ourselves and scrutinize our worth. We turn to ourselves to seek  for reasons why the apple of our eyes cannot see you the way we are  seeing him / her. Then we find flaws on the tiniest details of ourselves… the next thing we knew, we self-destruct.

Some years ago, I prayed  and begged God  for a specific person; in other words, I asked God to make  this person love me back. Even though I recognized the red flags, I still persevered in  asking  God, cause  He is God, right? He can do everything if He “wanted” to. So I insinuate Him to do what I asked from Him. Everyday for more than 365 days, I talked to God about the love I wanted. From how much I like this person to asking God why can’t he  look at me the way I look at him. Until one day, I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered to myself, “You are beautiful,you are worthy. You don’t deserve to be treated  like a spare-tire. You deserve more than these” then I noticed that for  more than 365  days, I was asking God to grant  me  a love that made me feel ugly and unloved, for more than 365 days I was too focused on finding reasons why he can’t look at me the way I look at him. I failed to recognize that all those times that I set my eyes on him, God looked at me with so much love and adoration. I was not able to notice it cause I was too focused asking for what I wanted.  God’s grace allowed me to bravely utter this prayer:

“Dear Lord,

If my desires are contrary to Yours, change my heart and lead me to Your desires for me. Grant me the grace to acknowledge what is of you each day”.

Today, as I look back on those days when I fervently asked God  for a gift I thought I deserve, I thank Him for  being so certain and firm on  His desires for me. The moment I closed that door, He led me to the depths of my soul where I found love and beauty. In a surreal way, I thank  the Lord for  my share of unreciprocated love, if not for that  person, I will not be able to open myself to God,  I will not be able to discover that God can be a Lover too! And I can  fall in love with God too! His pursuit made  more tangible when I was led to read Hosea 2:16

” So I will allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart” 

“Do you like him?” I asked a friend.

“Yes, but I am still praying whether I will pray for him or not”, she answered.

Her answer left me so confused.  Isn’t it too redundant to pray for what you are going to pray for?

I think our ego is just too afraid to ask for something we cannot have, and it is the same thing with asking something from  God, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. That misadventure taught me:

1. When you pray for someone, do not ask God to give you this person as if he / she  is some sort of stuff you can own  or be rewarded of. Talk to God about this person. God will give you wisdom to understand what you feel and will enlighten you which advice from friends you have to listen.
2. When you ask for a gift, be  open to the Giver of the gift. He knows not  just  what’s nice and cute but He knows what you truly need and what your soul truly longs for.  Even if  you are fervently praying, does not mean that  God will grant what you have prayed for. Openness will allow you to recognize His answer and  will give you clarity on how  to move forward  when you receive His answer.

Do not be afraid to fall in love but always remember  to hold God’s hand tightly so you will be reminded  of His love when you are tempted to ask the questions: “Am I ugly? Am I not good enough?”. When your heart is intimately connected to your Creator, you disable your tendency to self-destruct cause you  will grow certain of  your questions when the admiration or love you give cannot be reciprocated.

Christmas shopping is exciting yet stressful at times. You always think and over think what specific gift to buy for a specific person, making sure that it’s something useful for the person and something that delights the one who will receive your gift.

If we are  capable to desire for the best gift to the people we love, have you  ever wondered how much God  desires to give you the best gift He can give to you?

So when the love you are giving cannot be reciprocated; accept the reality that some of the things you desire are not meant for you and  move forward to where the Giver of the gift will take you. The Giver of the gift knows not just the “someone  better” but He created the one He desires for you.

Fall in love with God. Desire His desires for you. He is a Giver who never runs out of surprises!

Merry Christmas!